Dollar Billus Chain Lettericus

by James MacLaren

Alright, who’s the fuckhead writing on all the goddamned money in

this town? One of you pricks out there has way too much time on your

hands.

Fucking dollar bills are turning into chain letters.

Who likes chain letters anyhow? What’s up with them things?

I hold before me right this minute an example of our mystery author’s work.

Ball point pin, blue, around the border of the green side of a

greenback. Fairly neat penmanship. Might be a broad. Broads always

have better penmanship than guys.

And I quote: St. Elizabeth Anyone receiving this bill will be blessed

with a lot of money if he writes this Saying on 10 other bills

The capitalization is a little daffy, and there’s no period on the

end of the sentence, but the sonofabitch sailed right through my

spell checker with flying colors. So we’re not talking the village

idiot here. It’s somebody that seems to have gotten out of high

school without too many tattoos or body piercings. Got at least HALF

a brain, yeah?

Well.now that I think about it, maybe not.

These fucking things are starting to flood my damn cash drawer. And

my regular customers are getting the damn things all the time, too.

Nobody like’s em. And from the look of the penmanship on all of em

(it’s ever the same), nobody else has seen fit to fill out their own

little quota of “10 other bills” My guess is that one compulsive

weirdo out there has gone a little overboard with this deal and

didn’t stop with “10 other bills” Nope. More like a THOUSAND and “10

other bills”

Now stop and think a minute here what that means. Somewhere, somebody

sits over a desk, pen in hand, scribbling away on a hoard of dollar

bills. Hour after hour. Day after day. Just grinding these things

out. I’ll bet the curtains are drawn and there’s a couple of Edgar

Cayce books on the shelves somewhere. JC on the cross-sticks too, no

doubt. Probably dark in there. Phone hasn’t rung in over a month. No

tv set. I hear feet shuffling across a carpet. Damn pen ran out of

ink, gotta get another one.

Enough of this crap. I’ve been holding on to this fucked up dollar

bill for too long now. Time to take it outdoors and hand it over to

somebody for some beers. Now it’ll be in THEIR cash drawer. Don’t

think I’ll bother with my personal quota of “10 other bills”

Hey! Whoever the hell you are out there, knock this shit off, ok?

Fuck off, asshole.