Entrance Exam

by Jason Nelson

There is a test everyone takes when they turn five. It’s not a standardized

test, where kids learn the valuable skills of choosing letters and coloring

circles. Nor are they stretched between opposing monster trucks to measure

juvenile tensile strength. The test consists of exactly three questions asked on

your birthday. The questions differ from person to person, and are most often

asked unknowingly by people you know. You might be wondering how you can

prepare your young genetic link, or why plastic melts so easily. In the

sixties it was hip to coach the children to answer fourteen and a birdbath to

all questions on their fifth birthday, but the unseasonably high number of

demonic cults that resulted have changed this trend. Now in an attempt to curb

the life-altering effects of the birthday test, parents are trying temporary

vocal cord removal surgery. This, in conjunction with a lead-based juice diet,

seems to be working. Not only have television revenues increased, but the

resultant drool/slobber mix has been found to be an effective lubricant for

combustion engines and the always summertime fun slip-n-slide.