The Rock is a pussy

by Matthew Damascus

I once went to this RAW is WAR, and this guy three rows in front of me was dressed exactly like Rock. He had the tacky shirt, sunglasses, elbow pads, he even did a great “People’s Eyebrow.” In fact, the only way you could tell this guy from the real Rock, was that the faux Rock weighed maybe 135, whereas the real Rock weighs about 275. But I SWEAR that was the only difference. Anyway, he thought he was all cool, which goddamn he was, and was eyebrowing and third personing all over the place. I looked at him in awe, and thought to myself “Next time I go to a wrestling event, I’m going with this guy, and I’m going as Chyna. I’ve already got black hair!” Anyway, as I was sitting there slack jawed, a cup of beer comes flying over me and hits the Rock impersonator on the head! I was like, “Are you going to take that, man? The Rock wouldn’t take that! Kick his ass! Make him eat some poontang pie!! E-L-B-O-W!!” But did he do anything? Of course not. He just let his eyebrow slide down his face, took his elbow pads off, and folded them neatly in his lap…pussy.