Adventures With David Hasselhoff III
by Josh Sullivan
David Hasselhoff is surprised to find three Hindu gods on his head and arms.
Vishnu: “We’re sorry to have attached ourselves to your body but we have no legs.”
David: “Please leave me be, I’m famous!”
Vishnu: “Yes, we know. Our goal was to overtake you and siphon your energy, Patrick Duffy.”
David: “Man, I wish I was Patrick Duffy.”
Dave starts singing and immediately the gods release themselves.
David: “Bwa ha ha, I knew you couldn’t resist my seductive singing!”
Six-armed Menace: “Fuck you, we’re leaving. Your singing voice sounds like an old lady getting head from a chinchilla and a goat at the same time.”
David Hasselhoff pets one of the gods before their departure and he gets an erection.
The Hass then has to teleport himself back home.
The Hass: “Ouch! Teleporting sucks!”
Giant Travel Hand: “This is the wave of the future in traveling.”
The Hass: “You aren’t getting a tip from me, dude.”
Giant Travel Hand: “That’s ok, I slept with your mom.”
At home, an argument with the George Foreman Grill erupts.
David: “Make me some pizza rolls.”
Gorge Foreman Grill: “Get them out of the freezer and put them on me.”
David: “I hate you, you filthy abomination.”
George Foreman Grill: “That’s ok, I slept with your mom.”
David watches his favorite movie while waiting for his pizza rolls.
The Hamburglar then falls from the sky and nearly messes up David’s prize-winning hair.
David: “I can’t believe I can only afford pizza rolls for dinner.”
Hamburglar: “Robble, Robble!”
David: “Weren’t you one of the Beagle Boys on ‘Duck Tales’?”
Dave then is forced to feed the Hamburglar since his arms are frozen straight out.
Dave “The Hass” Hasselhoff: “I’m falling in love with you.”
Hamburglar: “Robble, Robble!”
Hamburglar and Hasselhoff share the last pizza roll with their friend, Bonnie the Dead Magician Who Bleeds Profusely From His Mouth. The three of them go get married and the whole lot of them live happily ever after as Hasselhoffs.
The End.
Oh yeah, my friend Phil gave me this and I think it’s the best book ever. Adios!
