Don’t Be So Sure That You Liked It
Chuck Bantam is betrayed by the fickle mistress nostalgia when he picks up the DVD reissue of Return of the Living Dead Part III.
Bantam’s Don’t Be’s
Chuck Bantam was born on Long Island in 1975, and moved upstate N.Y. with family at age 10 where the better years of his life were lived. At age 14, family brought him down south to the miserable state of Florida where he has been trapped ever since. Loves horror and sci-fi anything, Tool, trashy rock music, and a good Stephen King novel.
Don’t Be Filling Our Heads
Chuck Bantam’s been watching a little too much television lately, and now he wants to know what’s REALLY going on…
Don’t Be So Concerned About The Elephant
If it’s down to him or the elephant, Chuck Bantam reckons it better be the elephant. Plus, theme park employee bashing!
Don’t Be So Damn Whiny All Of The Time
Chuck Bantam loves his infant nephew, but that doesn’t mean that certain coworkers should imitate all his bad habits.
Don’t Be So Fucking Populated
Chuck Bantam has got a little piece of advice for old Mother Earth. Just a small, simple request.
Don’t Be Such A Big-Mouth Two-Face
Chuck Bantam opens his storybook to tell the heartwarming tale of Bob, who was tormented by the queen of gossip, before he transformed into an hardened, obscenity-spewing bastard. It’s a happy ending!
Don’t Be So High All Of The Time
I’ve been bugging Chuck Bantam to finish up this classic piece for months now, but he’s too busy listening to Phish! *Rimshot*
Don’t Be My World
Chuck Bantam looks around fifteen years later and wonders exactly where did it all go wrong? Maybe when you were young and strong…. I apologize.
Don’t Be Alarmed, They Just Want Your Money
Spendin’ Chuck Bantam wonders where all his money is going, and what this has to do with Mardi Gras and the human condition.
Don’t Be The Thing That Keeps Me Up At Night
Chuck Bantam wonders whether the pushy voices he hears late into the night are in his head or courtesy of the cable company.
Don’t Be Such A Stalker
Even more valuable advice from Chuck Bantam on scoring points with the ladies. Thanks for telling me now, Chuck…
Don’t Be Such A Rubbernecking Asshole
Chuck Bantam shoots ducks in a barrel, and wishes violent death on you-know-who. Try it, it’s fun.
Don’t Be Such a Shitty Director
Not naming any names, but Chuck Bantam offers some “friendly” advice to the guy who directed The Cell. Don’t miss this one! J-Lo bashing aplenty!
Don’t Be So Fucking Timid
Chuck Bantam tells us all about his friend Russell. You shoulda been there. Angus would have been proud.
Don’t Be So Concerned About What Others Think
Chuck Bantam takes a look at people who ask him why everyone else doesn’t like them, which, paradoxically, only makes him hate them more.
Don’t Be Such A Wife Beating Shit
Chuck Bantam weighs in with a caustic but humorous twist on a familiar story. Think of it as a little pep talk for all the Mike Tysons and “jarhead motherfuckers” who really need it.
Don’t Be Such An Opinionated Fuck
New hotshot Chuck Bantam kicks off his column, Bantam’s Don’t Be’s, with a thought-provoking piece arguing the merits of being an opinionated fuck. Or not.
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